Being Practical isn't Practical

I went down to Mom’s last night to pick up one of her dogs to take to a friend who wants him. Part of Mom’s legacy to me is her love of animals, which she and her sister got from their mother. Naturally, Mom had – has – a houseful of pets. I took two of them away last weekend and that was hard, but they were going to good homes and obviously, I can’t keep them all, no matter how much I love them, and my stepfather is only going to be able to stay in the house for so long before he will have to go and live where he will have help. I am trying very hard to be practical. So after work yesterday, I drove the two and a half hours to Mom’s to pick up Spencer and take him to my friend.

Driving down to Mom’s, I was thinking about my stepfather, with whom I am not close, but who loved my mom, in his own way. I feel especially sorry for him. I was thinking about how difficult it is for me to walk through each day when I can go to work and not think 100 percent of the time about having lost her, and how he doesn’t get to do that. He lives in the house, sleeps in her bed, spends all day, every day unable to escape the reminders of her and the fact that she’s gone. How does he do it, I wondered. I am not sure I could. Actually I am quite sure I couldn’t.

So when I put Spencer’s collar on him, and my stepfather was saying goodbye, he started to cry, and those thoughts of his existence overwhelmed me, and I could not stop the tears from coming, no matter how strong I wanted to be for him. I came all the way down there to pick up the dog and take him away, but in the end, I couldn’t do it. I wept with my stepfather for all we had lost, and I left the dog in his care and drove back home, crying much of the way.

I will have to find homes for some, if not all, of the remaining animals eventually. Until I must, however, I will not take Spencer or Mom’s other dogs away. While they are in the house, an important piece of her is there, with my stepfather. The pain is so great, the hole so enormous; I will not make it bigger than it already is, for him or for me.